Have you ever come to a point in your life when everything just seems so wrong and messed up? And even if you try your hardest to convince yourself that you're happy, you still fail. You just can't fool anyone, not even yourself. So you end up thinking, what the hell is all this for? Why do you continue to do these things when you've lost the drive and the will to do so? Maybe it's the guilt, knowing that you'd be disappointing a lot of people in your life, if you drop everything right at this very instant. But then, wouldn't that mean that you're just living your life for them and not necessarily for yourself? Could you actually go on like that for the rest of your life? Living in a haze, in a routinary fashion, so much so that you can do the stuff that you do with your eyes closed.
And the bottom line of it all is that no one really gives a shit. Some say they do but you know that they say it out pity. Just to calm you down even just a bit. To temporarily ease the pain of living for nothing. And then you start thinking, is it really worth it? Is it really worth all the torment and agony that you go through day after day?
And even now, you still can't answer that question.
You're left with an empty heart as you keep on staring down the never-ending abyss that is your life. You're left to ponder about nothing. So you just stare into space. Because there's really nothing to look forward to. And you go on hoping that maybe one day soon it'll all end. But for now you have to wait.
And it's so ironic that as you keep these things inside of you, you put on a mask when you're in front of everyone else. You keep up the facade that you're strong and not afraid of anything. That you don't care about what anyone thinks about you when in fact you really really do. You act like you do whatever it is you want to do, when the truth is you actually think of what other people will say before you do anything. And that in reality, you're just a slave, succumbing to the whims of everyone around you.
When you think about everything that's ever happened, you start to wonder if you'd rather have it not happening at all in the first place. It's as if a new chapter of your life was finally opened and it ended even before it ever began. You were just standing there, happy, full of expectations and future plans when the rug was suddenly pulled out from underneath your feet. And you're left on the ground, dazed, confused and hurt, and all that time you never really understood what actually happened. And you strain so hard to find the reason why things didn't work out. Did you do something wrong? Or maybe it was because you didn't do anything about it? Or maybe you were never really at fault in the first place, it's just that things were simply beyond your control.
Now you're left with the what-if's and the constant reminder that it never really was. And that all that happened was just a part of a fairytale that you painted which sooner or later will be washed away by the tears that you're about to shed. You then come face to face with the fact that the world's not so wonderful after all. That the mere existence of some people could result in your eternal agony. That the mere sight of them breaks your heart into a thousand little pieces. All that's left to do would be to pick up the broken pieces and it would just be your luck if some are missing so that you'd have to find something to replace them with. You'd also have to accept the fact that you can never bring it back to the way it was before. So you'd have to deal with what it is you've got (if you actually have anything).
You try to live each passing day and hope that the feeling would pass eventually. And just when you thought that all your attempts are finally working, you see something that wasn't meant for your eyes to see, and you know deep in your heart, that things aren't over. You desperately try to hold on to your last string of sanity and as you tighten your grip, you still feel it slipping away. And you're back to square one.
Add the fact that you feel totally unworthy and incompetent. That you're not good enough for some things in this world. Just about enough reason to call it quits and allow yourself to let go. People would usually tell you not to make comparisons but isn't that just part of being human? You'd be a hypocrite to not do so. The next thought would then be, why is it never enough? Then again, maybe you'd actually realize that you never exerted enough effort in the first place. And everything would just seem comical.
So you'd come to the conclusion that your life is just one big pathetic mess and you don't even know where, when and how you'd clean it up. You don't even know if you want to clean up. What would do you opt to do then?
For now, I guess that question would have to be left unanswered.
