Last night, some friends succeeded in "bullying" me into watching The Holiday. Meaning free movie. Thanks to Juancho. I enjoyed the movie, it was great. Although, I couldn't help but reflect on some things during and after it.

I wasn't in the mood to actually watch any movie and right at the beginning of the flick, I instantly knew why. There really is a reason for everything I guess. Here I quote Kate Winslet's tirade over love:

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and Valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back."

How about that huh? It's like getting a slap on the face. The feeling that you know it's not really meant for you but wtf! I was like, "Ummm, not for me..."

But it didn't end there. I have several lines I would like to quote:

It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door.

Sometimes I wish I can stop overanalyzing things. I wish I could start convincing myself the other way around. I wish I could get over things and people that easily. Move on with my life and never look back. I really admire those who can do it despite everything.

Ouch!!! Why do people do that? They know that they've got a hold over you and they take advantage of it. They come to you only when they need it or just feel like it. They come to you when there's nothing worthwhile to do, so they need your company. They come to you without even realizing that when they do, they can make your heart race and make you hope all over again. They don't realize that after the interaction is over and they go back to their lives (which by the way, doesn't really include you), you are left with an empty feeling. And you try to convince yourself that one day maybe he'll realize that he actually cares for you and you'd live happily ever after. And after several days or weeks of not seeing or talking, you'd realize (for the nth time), that he wouldn't be having "the epiphany" any time soon. So you'd go back to wallowing in depression up until your next encounter. And the twisted, bitter cycle starts all over again.

My god, I've just noticed how pathetic you are.
Really? I'm *so* aware of it.

To You Who Hasn't Found Me Yet,

When you look at me, I feel like melting away. You make me giddy, nervous and happy all at the same time. You make me feel like I can share anything with you, even the stupid things that pop into my head. I feel comfortable when you're around.

I want to laugh with you. Share nonsensical jokes with you and you'll laugh even if it's not really funny, just so I won't feel bad. I want to ask you if your day was good. And I love it when you ask me about mine.

I love it when you're next to me. I feel safe like nothing can go wrong. Even if you don't say anything at all. Even if I just stand there for an hour, as long as you're close to me. Close to the point that we're almost touching. I feel happiness in that.

I adore your crazy antics, the way you compliment me in your sweet way, the pet names you call me, the things you do just to get my attention, that "puppy look" you do. I love the way your eyes dance when you smile, the sound of your laugh, the look in your eyes.

And the funny thing is I'll just be keeping this until we actually meet. Maybe it'll be soon. Or maybe I've already found you but you're not yet ready so I moved on. For now, I find comfort in the thought that one day our paths will cross again (or maybe it'll be for the first time) and I'll finally be able to share this with you.

Sometimes I think the Lord is really testing me. Just when I'm at the end and ready to give it all up, He'd bring me back to where I started again. I guess Patty's right, maybe He's just asking me to trust in Him. I do. But I can't honestly say I fully do because so many doubts keep on entering my mind and I wonder if it's all worth it. If it would be worth the wait and patience.

I keep on coming back to Mel's comment na there is something there, but to him relationships are not important right now. I just feel sad na that's the case. But I must admit that as of now, that's what I'm getting from him. Maybe it's all just harmless flirting for him and if so...well I guess I'm at the loser's end huh? 'Coz frankly, I don't flirt. I'm just my usual quiet reserved self. So when I do flirt with someone, it must mean that there's something else there. It actually takes a lot of courage for me to go out there and step up. I'm just hoping that all I do are appreciated.

Can I help it if I'm too serious about these things? But now that I think about it, there's no need for me to rush things. I'm just scared that he'll start losing interest and that I'll get tired of waiting as well. It's too good of a thing to let go of. But I am happy where I am now as compared to before. Big big improvement. I really shouldn't demand too much. I've been given a lot now that I consider things.

ADVICE TO SELF: Hazel, just appreciate what has happened so far. Don't delve too much into what hasn't happened yet. Believe that all things will eventually fall into place.